'Your mission - should you accept - is to live like James Bond for a day.'
'Live like James Bond for a day, you say?' Doesn't sound too difficult.
You said live 'like' James Bond - not 'with' James Bond. After watching 'Skyfall' I rather fancy Daniel Craig. That back of his....hmmmm...'
'Please try to focus on the mission at hand 008. I said live 'like' 007. Not 'with' him.You'll be his decoy while he is in Hong Kong.'
'Decoy you say? Just for one day? OK. I accept.'
'Good. Let me take you through the accommodation we've selected for you.
We've got you a suite at the Upper House. It's where all the well-heeled hipsters stay and dine. So try to blend in and don't wear those cowboy boots of yours.'
'Hey! What's wrong with these boots? They're hand-made you know... from real rhino hide. I had to drag that rhino through the Botswana jungle.'
'Look. Just try to be inconspicuous - is that too much to ask 008? You are a spy afterall.'
'OK.. come this way. We've already checked you in as Ms Indira Naidoo. She's an Australian journalist and broadcaster who's meant to be reviewing this hotel so it won't raise any suspicions if you're seen taking photos and asking pesky questions.'
'Do I have to be an Australian? You know I can't tolerate that accent. Everything is 'gday this' and 'ow ya going mate that'. It's so grating. Can I be that Swiss gymnast again? Please?'
'Not after all the weight you've stacked on. Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately.'
'It's just a couple of kilos....
'008 can we just get on with it?
'This is your room. As you can see it's extremely spacious with views across Hong Kong harbour.'
'Geez......007 really does get the royal treatment doesn't he? You usually put me up in a Mecure. Look at these fabrics and furnishings, and potted orchids. No expense has been spared.'
.... I love phaelanopsises....
'OK, 008 that's enough horticultural observations... let me take you through to the bedroom..
'Wow.... that bed looks dreamy..... what's the thread count on these sheets? Looks like Egyptian cotton..
'Don't get any ideas 008. You know the rules. No sleepovers while on duty.'
' But 007 always ...
' I don't care what 007 does. No visitors. Period.'
'Here are your suitcases...
'... and the closet...'
'... and the bathroom..'
'That's some tub. Nice a deep. Looking forward to a long soak. And there's a TV as well... want to
see the finale of American Idol. Love Keith Urban.'
'There won't be time for that 008. After you unpack I want to take you to the outside deck where you'll receive further instructions from your contact.. '
'Oh. He doesn't seem to be out here. Let's wait for him in the hotel's award-winning restaurant Cafe Gray.'
'I took the liberty of pe-ordering for us both.
I'm having the gnocchi...'
'...And how's the organic heirloom beetroot salad?'
'Not bad. I'll be able to squeeze back into that leotard in no time.'
'I could get use to pretending to be 007.'
'Don't get any ideas 008.'
Saucy Onion stayed as a guest of the Upper House.